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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744353">sanders sides oneshots - awful edition</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Abused Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Abusive Deceit Sanders, Abusive Relationships, Anger, Anorexia, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Is Gay, Gay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Tags Are Hard, The Author Regrets Everything, Unhealthy Relationships, im so sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:14:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,127</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744353</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sanders sides oneshots, i highly recommend you read my shitty writing, you’ll regret it! lowercase intended.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, anxceit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. roman is angry,</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw: anger, bullying (?), panic attacks maybe unsympathetic light sides</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>roman knows he should calm down.</p><p>it’s three am. he’s exhausted. there are bags under his eyes, his body is aching. he continues pacing anyways, because he is angry. his fists are clenched, his eyes are bloodshot. his chest is tight and his face is flushed.</p><p>he is furious.</p><p>he tries so hard, he does! he comes up with idea after idea after idea, and logan and patton and virgil keep shooting them down. keep saying he is being unrealistic, keep saying he needs to do a better job. he’s doing the best job he can do! he is so, so tired all the fucking time and he is so, so stressed all the fucking time and yet he continues, he keeps coming up with video ideas, he keeps working.</p><p>it’s not fair.</p><p>suddenly romans feels tears come to his eyes and he is suddenly crying, his shoulders slump and his body is trembling. he stops pacing.</p><p>it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair. it’s not fair that virgil keeps insulting him and patton does nothing about it, it’s not fair that logan keeps giving him disapproving looks, it’s not fair that logan looks down on him, it’s not fair that patton is always disappointed in him, it’s not fair that thomas won’t listen to him, it’s not fair deceit and his brother dislike him, oh, it’s so horribly unfair.</p><p>roman slides down against the wall, his knees up against his chest. he wrings his hands helplessly. the world feels hazy and far off. he is sweating and shaking, the world feels disoriented. he feels as if he is going to have a heart attack.</p><p>is this a panic attack?</p><p>it feels it. </p><p>what to do, what to do? what does he do? roman feels a wave of nausea wash over him. he swallows harshly and tried to remember one of virgil’s breathing excersises.he breathes in slowly, deeply, through his nose. he counts to five, and then exhales, out through his mouth. he closes on his eyes and focuses on his breathing.</p><p>after ten minutes, his breathing is no longer irregular. he feels so much more tired now. </p><p>maybe he should sleep? </p><p>but he has so much work to do. so much work he has to compete before morning. but it’s almost four am.  and he is so, so tired.</p><p>he rubs his temples. you know what? he’s not going to the meeting tomorrow. he’s going to sleep. he needs to sleep. damn the rest of them, roman didn’t care anymore. he just wanted rest,<br/>
just wanted rest.</p><p>he wanted to sleep in his bed, and maybe dream a little, because he was so tired of life. tired of it all. </p><p>roman crawled under his covers and shut his eyes.</p><p>tomorrow’s problems were for tomorrow.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. psychological abuse - anxceit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw: abuse, psychological abuse, anxceit</p><p>i’m very sorry for hopping aboard the abusive deceit train</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>deceit calls virgil names. when he says something dumb or unhelpful, dee blatantly calls him a loser or stupid or sometimes things too awful to repeat here. and he yells and he screams and he punctuates his shouting by slamming his fist on the table or throwing something and virgil feels so terrified and inconsequential and so, so, so hurt.</p><p>deceit is dismissive. when virgil shows him something he is particularly proud of, dee says it’s nothing. virgil shows him a music piece he spent a long time on, and dee rolls his eyes and shakes his head. and smirks and sighs and virgil feels embarrassed and stupid and dumb, and he wants nothing more than the ground to swallow him up. and when virgil confronts him and asks him to please stop, or please explain what he is doing wrong, dee laughs at him and says he is joking, dee is joking, and virgil needs to stop being so sensitive. </p><p>deceit monitors everything. he wants to know all the time where virgil is. every time virgil leaves the house deceit asks him where he’s going. whenever virgil wants to go out with his friends dee sighs and frowns and digs his fingernails into virgil’s arm when he asks him where he is meeting his friends. and when virgil does leave the house he cannot relax because deceit insists that virgil should respond to every message and text and call he receives from dee. and then when he comes home dee looks through his texts and call log and email and search history and virgil just watches him awkwardly, twiddling his thumbs and anxiously licking his lips.</p><p>deceit is accusatory. he is jealous, he keeps accusing virgil of cheating or flirting with someone else. he guilts him. dee says that he has done so much for virgil, he should at least have the decency to stay at home for an unplanned movie night instead of going out with his friends. dee insists virgil is the one with control or anger issues, dee says virgil is the one ruining their relationship, he says he tries so hard but virgil doesn’t seem to care, he says virgil is an awful boyfriend. he drives virgil away for his friends, dee tells him that he is the only one who can stand being around him, the only one who could ever love him.</p><p>deceit is cruel. he demands respect. even the smallest slight will not go unpunished, regardless of whether or not virgil was joking. virgil says that deceit is being unreasonable, and deceit shuts  down all communication, he refuses to answer calls or texts, he doesn’t care.  he ignores any attempts at conversation. he dehumanizes virgil, he refuses to look at him when virgil talks to him and he stares at something else when he speaks to virgil. </p><p>deceit withholds affection. he refuses to touch virgil, or even look at him. no smiles are given, nothing, not even something as small as a pat on the shoulder, and virgil feels awful and small and very, very worthless. deceit doesn’t touch him, and virgil feels disgusting and stupid. deceit tunes him out, he waves him off or changes the subject whenever virgil tries to talk about their relationship. sometimes he just outright ignores him.</p><p>overall, virgil is in a state of anguish and desolation.</p><p>.</p><p>virgil calls roman up.</p><p>“uh, hey, roman.”</p><p>“virgil! i’ve not heard from you in a long time, friendo! how are you? is everything alright?” a kind voice form the other end chirps.</p><p>“can you, well, uh, pick me up, please?” virgil swallows harshly.</p><p>roman fumbles over his words. he didn’t expect that. “yeah, of course! where from?” </p><p>“dece- my apartment.”</p><p>roman’s eyebrows quirk up. could it be..? “are you finally taking our advice? oh, virgil, please tell me you are.”</p><p>“yeah. yeah i am. i’m leaving him for good this time, i swear. i’ll move back in with you three.” virgil feels like crying.</p><p>roman tears up from relief. “i’ll be there in ten minutes, virge. sit tight. i love you.”</p><p>“i love you too, roman. i’m sorry.”</p><p>“don’t be,” comes the reassuring voice from the other end of the line.</p><p>the call ends, and tears start pouring down virgil’s face. he’s smiling, though. it’s going to be okay</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. eating disorders - remus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw: eating disorders, disordered eating, implied passing out, mentions of crying</p><p> </p><p>wrote this to distract myself from the Shame</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>remus sits in his room alone. he locks his door. he convinces himself he is doing this for the people he loves - for deceit, and virgil and roman, even logan, even patton. he is sitting up here in his room skipping dinner for the thousandth time because he cares about his friends, no, his family, and he doesn't  want to scare them.</p><p>no, he doesn't want to scare them.</p><p>he and deceit and have since been accepted into the club, no longer are they regarded as dark sides, as thomas has finally realised that labelling parts of him as, "good [light]," or "bad [dark]," is actually unhealthy and stunting his quest to continue improving his mental well-being, and remus does not want to cause them to change their minds.</p><p>he supposes they can't kick deceit out - he matteres too much. he is self preservation, and deceit doesn't even lie that much - only when it's  really necessary. remus, on the other hand?</p><p>well...</p><p>remus doesn't really have any more abilities. he can generate endless ideas and thoughts, but they are all bad, dirty, wrong.</p><p>he can't seem to stop.</p><p>he doesn't know if he wants to stop thinking. it would be amazing to finally have a break from his horrible, intrusive, disturbing thoughts, but at the same time, he can't imagine life without them. it'd be so quiet. remus doesn't like being quiet, or quiet atmospheres. no, remus likes business, bustle, noise, something to fill the silence. just like how he can't bear staying still. he always has to be moving, doing something. he hears shouting far away, and cringes slightly.</p><p> </p><p>because doing something burns calories, and that's all remus wants to do, his head is fuzzy and his ocd has never been worse, but he keeps persisting even though his heart is bestaunt right out his chest and he's so so lonely and he keeps thinking about the knife in his cupboard and he can't, he really just can't-</p><p>remus lays down on his bed. he's tired, he thinks. maybe a bit of sleep would do him good.</p><p>the shouting is getting louder, someone is banging on his door.</p><p>he doesn't care.</p><p>he can hear roman's desperate "remus please-" and he feels a pang of guilt, but he's too tired to open the door.</p><p>the lock breaks and dee starts crying, just as remus drifts off into some sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. numb - logan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw:panic attacks, crying, self deprecation</p><p> </p><p>istg all my writing is the exact same with different characters i need to stop :(</p><p>i also had a kinda shite ending here sorry broskis</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“i feel so fucking numb.” logan stares at himself critically in the mirror. logan feels such a disconnect from his body, his emotions. he registers tears pouring down his face, but doesn’t know why, because tears are an emotional reaction, and logan doesn’t feel emotions. he is rational and logical, exert right now he’s not, because he’s crying and shaking, scrutinizing himself in the mirror, feeling completely and utterly worthless. he gently touched the tears rolling down his face with his weirdly long fingers. they felt so cold. his tears were cold. was that normal? logan hopes it is, because he doesn’t know what to do if it isn’t. his whole body feels cold. he sits down, trembling, on his bed. his breath is erratic and shakey, and he supposes he’s hyperventilating. this can’t be real, it’s all just a dream, it’s not really happeneing- logan curls in on himself. he wants to scream out, he wants to yell, and maybe one of the other sides will come upstairs, into his room, sit down next to him, hold his hand, and go through a breathing excersise with him. oh he wants, he wants, he wants, nut you can’t always get what you want, and logan knows that to be true. he wants someone to confide into, someone to offer comfort. he wants someone to care about him. he wants someone to talk to, genuinely, without being judged. he wants someone, anyone to please help him. logan knows this will not happen. he has never asked for help, and, therefore, no one will help him. he probably doesn’t deserve help anyways, he doubts he would be able to help someone in a similar situation. yes, logan decides, he deserves this, so he should just wait it out. wait these feelings out. he doesn’t know what he feels. he doesn’t know if he feels. he wants to feel. no he doesn’t. he wants to be completely devoid of emotion. he wants to stop being so attached to everything, he wants to stop seeking thomas and everyone else’s approval. he wants to forget what love and happiness and joy feels like. logan wants to tear out his heart, and stomp on it, and set it on fire for all the pain it causes him. all it does is make him make mistakes, make him look like a fool in front of the others, make him feel like a fool. maybe logan is a fool. logan doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, especially the less enjoyable ones. logically, he knows he should talk to someone about it, open up, instead of bottling all his feelings up. logically he knows he should take care of himself, and surround himself with the right people. but logan is too ashamed to do that, he so desperately wants to tell someone, anyone, but he can’t because he feels so shameful. logan suddenly feels a lot more lonely. lonely logan, sitting on the edge of his bed, wallowing in his inconsequential sorrows instead of getting his work done. lonely logan, wasting time and negatively impacting everyone around him. lonely logan, being a narcissistic unfeeling asshole as usual. logan shoves any and all feelings down and continues to work</p>
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